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Happy birthday, to me.

Happy birthday, to me.

* See my original Facebook post here.
** Illustration by Sara El-Yafi 

Once upon a time, I lived in the gonads of my father. I don’t know how I got there, but apparently, I lived there… in very difficult, crowded, slimy conditions. But I had a dream. I had a virtually impossible dream that I would one day become more than a testicle-dweller. I dreamed of better conditions, bigger prospects; I dreamed of life… But the prospects of my dream were incredibly difficult for the chance of “achieving life” was literally one in a GAZILLION. There was one way, just ONE way, for me to become more than a testicle-dweller and make something out of myself: I had to win a deadly race of the fiercest competition and extremely rare prospects of victory. I cannot emphasize the gruesome level of difficulty of this race. The conditions are dreadful whereby every single one of the racers gets executed by the end of the race if they fail to come in first place; and there can only be one winner. And that’s IF there is a winner, for winning the race is not just a matter of speed and agility, it’s also a hunt to find an “egg”… but 9,999 times out of 10,000, there is no egg.

And you haven’t even heard the worst part yet: There are about five hundred million other swimmers competing, all with the same hope of becoming something more than traces of dead cells flushed down the toilet never, ever, ever to be brought back. Sadness.

Take a moment to imagine what this means: To win, I had to LEAD the race against FIVE HUNDRED MILLION professional swimmers, be faster, smarter, more agile, more focused and more alert than five hundred million professional swimmers. Plus, I had to have an amazing sense of direction to know WHERE I am going, and I had to be focused on FINDING the friggin egg, that’s notwithstanding the fact that I must RECOGNIZE it for I had never seen an egg before! THEN, once I recognize it, I need to be strong enough, not worn out from the damn race, to crush through the shell of the goddamn egg…That’s IF there is an egg… AND ALL THIS to be done within 72 hours, which is the point where I die…

And I have just one shot. That’s it. One lousy shot to make my dream come true. And if I fail, I would never ever be given another chance…

Well guess what…………

I won.

Yes. I won the impossible sperm race, and I became life.

And today, I celebrate this outstanding victory. Happy birthday to ME, THE CHAMP.

And while we’re at it, congratulations to you too! You’re a hero.

Written by Sara El-Yafi

27 Comments

  1. Manal Ghandour · August 11, 2013

    Exquisite !

  2. Nadim Haddad · August 11, 2013

    Damn! Just the pep talk I needed in preparation for the Iron Man that I started to train for!!!

  3. Lynn Ammar · August 11, 2013

    Seriously, EXQUISITE!!!! Wow!

  4. Jamil Adi · August 11, 2013

    hahahahahahahha SARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Jamil Adi · August 11, 2013

    I love it, and happiest of birthdays my lovely

  6. Tarek Malas · August 11, 2013

    Hahahaha… Good one.. And come to think about it, you should have been celebrating 9 months ago..

  7. Danielle Khoury · August 11, 2013

    Lmao you ARE one in a million habibi…. Love reading you!

  8. Mohammed Zigby · August 11, 2013

    HILARIOUS! Wow. Oh ya, and Happy Birthday.

  9. Melissa Heckler Wimmer · August 11, 2013

    Love it!!! Happy birthday!

  10. Joe Khoury · August 11, 2013

    Odd intro :p but awesome post! Happy bday!

  11. Mariam Malik Alsikafi · August 11, 2013

    You are amazing!!!! Happy happy!

  12. Hala JC · August 11, 2013

    Glad you won the race Sara!

  13. Wassef Ezzedine · August 11, 2013

    Well, I beg to differ…
    Technically any one of those 500 million who would have arrived would have been the “you” you would be today. So THAT race was not really yours, you came right after it was won … 😉
    However, the remaining – what – 22 years ? were totally yours and for those, congrats !

  14. Patrick Kearns · August 11, 2013

    I read somewhere that the girls are better swimmers than the boys, maybe you had a bit of an edge, Happy Birthday Champ.

  15. Samuel J. Granillo · August 11, 2013

    Wow. Great story 🙂 glad to have you here.

  16. May Habbab · August 11, 2013

    Happy birthday ya a7la Oo Agla Sara Bil deniyeh kela …mouwahhhh

  17. Omar Tabba · August 11, 2013

    It’s kind of like the Hunger Games

  18. Wissam El Cheikh Hassan · August 11, 2013

    Well according to some studies it is not the fastest sperm that fertilizes the egg but it is one of the slower ones – nobody really knows what happens in there. The process of breaking through the outer egg layer and then the inner layer for fertilization is a tough process that the sperm that did the breaking wouldn’t survive so the next sperm is the one that fertilizes. I am sorry, don’t mean to burst your bubble, you did a very good job really, whether you were the fastest or the second fastest, or one of the slower ones that hanged around for 12 hours before they died waiting for a ripe egg to drop. Kudos on that. All I’m saying is there is a small chance you may have not been the fastest. If it makes you feel any better neither have anyone of us. Happy Birthday …

  19. Wissam El Cheikh Hassan · August 11, 2013

    You want a really interesting story of a journey of sperm?
    Free-tilization: Based on the story of baby Muhannad Al-Zabn who was born by artificial fertilization with a sperm from his father who’s a prisoner in an Israeli dungeon. Cartoon and description by Amal Ziad Kaawash (http://meiroun.blogspot.com/)

  20. Tanya Ghani · August 11, 2013

    Happy birthday!

  21. Zeinab Alhasan · August 11, 2013

    Happy Birthday!!!!

  22. Bob Kretschmar · August 11, 2013

    Happy Birthday, Sara. And let’s not forget to congratulate your father and mother for assisting in your incredible journey!

  23. Richard Ladkani · August 11, 2013

    Congratulations Sara, and welcome to the club of winners! 🙂

  24. Ghias El Yafi · August 11, 2013

    Happy birthday Sara. You are a good runner and you deserve a place on the 100 m line up alongside Usain Bolt!!!

  25. Khalil Tayara · August 11, 2013

    You can also celebrate that race on november 1st. In any case congrats on your victory!

  26. Karine Doummar Ghosn · August 12, 2013

    Never thought of it this way… Like it

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