So, I went to a nail salon in LA. Upon my arrival, the good lady at the hosting counter said with a signature lousy attitude, “We don’t know if the technician will still take you because your appointment was at 3:30 and it is 3:36. Our appointments are very hard to get.” She squinted, and paused. I thought oh okay, all valid thoughts, but what’s with the hubris, lady? (Btw, that’s a good word, feel free to use it more often, you’d be shocked at how well it will come in handy. Hubris: “excessive pride and self-confidence.”) So, yeah, lady, what’s with the hubris? Why are you talking to me like I just threw out your Kylie Jenner Lip Kit that you have been waitlisted for since the war in Syria started? Why are you snubbing me like I just told you that Harry from One Direction was gay and won’t ever marry you?
She squinted again. She let anxiety pervade my soul. Then, she said, again, with the same lousy attitude, “It is at the discretion of the nail technician to decide whether she can slash will take you or not.”
Can (!) SLASH (!) will take me!
First of all, I’m super excited for the nail technician, because that’s an awesome title to have, plus, she has discretion; she’s the 1%. Second of all, a special person must have served as a behavioral role model to you, and you thought it was a sublime idea to emulate the way they speak to people, but just because you have a piece of shit boss who talks to you the way you just talked to me, and who can’t make it safe for you in the work place because he/she is a shitty person, you do not need to communicate any of your stress with any hubris, at any time. It is out of place, pissy missy. Your hubris will always be out of place, no matter what you do.
Am I missing something? Are you engaging in nation-building in here and I missed the memo? Did I just lose the only copy of your years of Panglossian Paradigm research on the Appalachian trail? Are you curing Multiple Sclerosis in this nail salon, and you are super stressed that the FDA won’t approve it because it isn’t financially profitable for the pharmaceutical interest group? Or is it that you are toiling to try and help the Palestinians get better livelihood in Gaza, but your project just got shut down by Israel because they consider your humanitarian help to Palestine to be anti-Semitic? Do you know that in the past week three Palestinians in Gaza have literally set themselves on fire on three distinctive days to protest their dismal living conditions, and no one, NO ONE, reported any of it? There are communities in Africa who consider their lives better today because the women and children, who have to walk 4 miles a day to draw water from a shitty lake to maintain livelihood for their families, now instead have rolling water tanks. So, today, they don’t have to carry that heavy shit on their heads but now, they roll it. That is luxury for them. Did you know that? Or is it all about your yoga practice that you go to wearing spandex pants made by third-world child laborers, slaves, but you don’t care cuz it says “Namaste” on your butt and it makes it look good, and that’s what’s important for your Instagram yoga shots?
I am not saying you deserve anything less than any privilege you have, or that you should feel guilt for the way most human beings live in this world, I am not even suggesting that you should do more with your life, but considering how much pain there is in this world, what I am suggesting is that you reassess your attitude because it is small, and a small attitude leads to a small life. And small lives do nothing but contribute pain to this world. Do you want a small life? No? If not, then be less selfish with your kindness. You have no idea how good you have it that what you consider acute stress in your day is that some customer was 6 minutes late for a nail polish change, which YOU are not even going to do, the powerful nail technician will have to do it, and on top of that, she will have to deal with me. That’s a lot for her. You deserve a better life than the smallness in which you have chosen to communicate with me, which ultimately only showcases the inner workings of your personality, and that is a burden only you will have to bear, no one else. That goes for you and for everyone in this damn world who believes they are too important to partake of kindness in their everyday life. *smile* Anyway. I love you.”
So she called the police.
I’m kiddin. She took me in.
All this to say, this was another amazing day for humanity.