* See my original Facebook post here.
** Illustration by Sara El-Yafi
Once upon a time, I lived in the gonads of my father. I don’t know how I got there, but apparently, I lived there… in very difficult, crowded, slimy conditions. But I had a dream. I had a virtually impossible dream that I would one day become more than a testicle-dweller. I dreamed of better conditions, bigger prospects; I dreamed of life… But the prospects of my dream were incredibly difficult for the chance of “achieving life” was literally one in a GAZILLION. There was one way, just ONE way, for me to become more than a testicle-dweller and make something out of myself: I had to win a deadly race of the fiercest competition and extremely rare prospects of victory. I cannot emphasize the gruesome level of difficulty of this race. The conditions are dreadful whereby every single one of the racers gets executed by the end of the race if they fail to come in first place; and there can only be one winner. And that’s IF there is a winner, for winning the race is not just a matter of speed and agility, it’s also a hunt to find an “egg”… but 9,999 times out of 10,000, there is no egg.
And you haven’t even heard the worst part yet: There are about five hundred million other swimmers competing, all with the same hope of becoming something more than traces of dead cells flushed down the toilet never, ever, ever to be brought back. Sadness.
Take a moment to imagine what this means: To win, I had to LEAD the race against FIVE HUNDRED MILLION professional swimmers, be faster, smarter, more agile, more focused and more alert than five hundred million professional swimmers. Plus, I had to have an amazing sense of direction to know WHERE I am going, and I had to be focused on FINDING the friggin egg, that’s notwithstanding the fact that I must RECOGNIZE it for I had never seen an egg before! THEN, once I recognize it, I need to be strong enough, not worn out from the damn race, to crush through the shell of the goddamn egg…That’s IF there is an egg… AND ALL THIS to be done within 72 hours, which is the point where I die…
And I have just one shot. That’s it. One lousy shot to make my dream come true. And if I fail, I would never ever be given another chance…
Well guess what…………
Yes. I won the impossible sperm race, and I became life.
And today, I celebrate this outstanding victory. Happy birthday to ME, THE CHAMP.
And while we’re at it, congratulations to you too! You’re a hero.